Our Family

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Brian is from Idaho Falls, ID, and I am from Orem, UT. We met many years ago at Utah State University. We have 3 daughters: Maya who's 9,Kaitlyn who's 7, and Taygen who's 1. We had twin boys Dylan and Gavin. We lost our son Dylan, but Gavin is 4.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Rose Colored Glasses

I have been thinking a lot about Dylan lately. Sometimes it seems like the last nine months never happened, and I am back in that moment when we found out we had lost him. That pain is just as real now as it was then. I recently listened to some young mothers talk about being pregnant. One of them was due anyday. They were all talking about how to get yourself to go into labor. All I could think about was, "that baby could die at any second and all you guys can talk about is how to get it out." It wasn't that long ago that I would have been doing that same thing. I wanted to have my twins so badly, I was ready to be done being pregnant. Now I wish I could have just kept them safe. Oh how I sometimes wish I had those rose colored glasses on again. I wish I could be that innocent person that has no clue about the true sadness that can come into one's life. Gavin brings such happiness into our home and I am so grateful for my girls. Our loss has made us closer, and our new reality gives us more empathy and more appreciation for one another and for life in general. I have learned a lot and gained a lot, but sometimes I would give it all back to have my son. I don't really know what the next life will bring. All I have is the hope that we will be together again. Anyways, onward and upward. I hope I haven't made anyone too sad, I just felt like putting it out there because I know there are others who have my same struggle.

3 comments:

Steph said...

That was a beautiful post. It's so true that you never really realize how much we take for granted until you have something taken away. I don't pretend to know what you're going through, but I hurt for you. I can't even imagine how painful this experience would be without the gospel. We truly are so blessed to have temples and the plan of salvation. I admire you for sharing your feelings and I'm sure throughout your life, you will have the chance to help other mothers who have lost children. You are so strong and have always been strong. You and Brian are such great examples to me of faith and the will to keep going even when you don't want to. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Love,

Steph

Erin said...

Thanks for sharing. It is good to hear from someone who knows exactly how I feel.

Courtney said...

Thanks goodness for the gospel. I think so many times how life would be so hard without it. Thanks for the post!