Five months today

Well our little Gavin is 5 months old today. They grow so fast! He is so fun with tons of personality. Watching how he has changed makes us really think a lot about Dylan. I wonder if he would be loud and crazy like Gavin, or if he would be more somber. Watching him grow up is really hard because we feel like we missed out with Dylan. Maya still asks me all the time why Dylan had to die. I don't have an answer for her. We don't even know why he did die. Even the autopsy left us little to know about his death. My sister is having a baby girl in December. Maya asks me all the time if she is ok and if she is going to die. I can't even assure her that it won't happen, because unfortunately these things happen a lot. I have met many mothers who have lost their child at birth with no prior complications. I am still very grateful for Gavin each day though. I still wake up at night a few times to check if he is still breathing because when we brought him home he stopped breathing (for no reason) and I had to do infant CPR on him to revive him. We had a pretty horrific summer, but hopefully things are looking up from now on! Sometimes I have to wonder if I will really survive being a mother!