I Might Be Crazy

To say that I am stressed or anxious about this pregnancy is a huge understatement. I have reached the point in my pregnancy when we lost our son Dylan. I have tried to be optimistic about the outcome for this baby, but the fear is still always there. I go to the gym and work out on the treadmill to try and keep my anxiety at bay. I use lots of different relaxation techniques so I don't go totally crazy, but it's hard to sleep and not worry. I am so grateful everytime this baby moves. We had a little scare on Monday because I couldn't get the baby to move for several hours, which was not normal. I called the Dr. and he wanted me to go right to the hospital. Of course I totally lost it. I was so hysterical I couldn't pull myself together to get in the car. Luckily my awesome husband immediately left work to be with me. They still couldn't get the baby to move at the hospital, but they did get a really strong heartbeat. I don't think I have ever been more grateful to hear that sound! I think there was a part of me that thought maybe I could lose another child since I had already gone thru it before, boy was I wrong! I think it was almost worse thinking it had happened a second time. I want this baby so bad, but I worry a lot about it living. I have bought a few things for the baby, but all of it has the tags on still and I have all the receipts. How retarded is that? I did buy a few nonrefundable items, and we are preparing the house as if we will bring a baby home. My sweet girls pray day and night that this baby will live. It breaks my heart that I am the mom and supposed to protect them from pain. They have so much faith and I hope that a loss won't crush their unwavering belief. They are such amazing examples to me. I am getting so tired at the gym, but I'm afraid if I stop working out, I might completely lose it!! Right now the dr has me coming in every week and going in twice a week for nonstress tests. I am grateful that he is concerned about my welfare and that of my baby. He has been truly awesome thru this whole ordeal. I don't suppose I will feel truly secure until I have his baby safely in my arms!! Here's hoping for the best!